14: Round the World with Felicia Michaels

We have a special guest this week again. My friend Felicia is here. Hello. How are you doing? I'm doing good. She is a photographer and a comedian.

And a, well, now ex-podcaster. No, I still podcast on Wednesday nights live at the Joint Studios, which goes on Sirius. It's called Bad Advice. But it's a podcast where I absolutely don't have to do anything technically with it. Fantastic. You just show up and be cool. Just show up and just puke my thoughts out and move on. That's kind of what we're doing right now. Kind of, yes. But she's actually funny. We just talk about boring shit. That's true. What do you guys actually talk about?

Do you guys just geek out about technical shit? Anything all technical. But we've ended up talking a lot about ourselves and our lives and like how we try not to be super fat when all we do is sit around. And we talk a lot about beer and all sorts of stuff. Yeah. Just kind of hanging out, shooting the shit. It came out of literally us hanging out at a bar going, we should record this crap. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So that's all we really do. But there's a lot of things we want to talk to you about, especially about technology stuff.

Oh, that's frightening. Well, there's a whole... If you're looking at me for those answers, that's frightening. No, I mean, you're out there. You've got your website. You've got your Twitter. You've got your Facebooks. You've got your Instagrams. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It is what it is. No, I started podcasting like two and a half years ago. That's interesting. Now everyone podcasts. I don't mean to, you know, look you guys in the eye when I say that.

But it's like, it's a great thing. It's a great thing. Well, I wanted to ask you specifically because you for a, you know, you were up and coming comedian. You were doing really, really well. Then you kind of got out of the game for a while. Right. Right. And now you're kind of back. How's it different because of the technology? We didn't have any of this shit when you first went out.

Well, I did comedy for 15 years. I started at the comedy store when I was, I think, 20 or so in 1986. And it was at the end of the boom of comedy, as most comedians will tell you. And that was a time where at the comedy store, any given night, you would see Sam Kinison or Robin Williams or, you know, name any comic, you would see them there.

And it was interesting then because your value was based on one skill. Right. Like in those days, if you had one skill and you could kick ass at it, that's all you needed to do. Like if you were a Gallagher and you could hit a watermelon with a sledgehammer, you were gold.

Hey, you don't know what it's like to fucking have to go get watermelons before the show, carry that sledgehammer around. Sledgehammers are fucking heavy. They're heavy. So, but the thing is, it's, it's like, I remember back in those days, if you even had a press kit or if you had a little bit of like, you would carry clippings around and you would show managers and agents, they'd be like, this motherfucker is not funny because they're spending all this time doing press.

Right. So obviously they're not working on the craft, so they're not funny. And the, the thing is coming back into comedy now, cause I did take eight years off with my kids and everyone is technically savvy. Everyone's been to Juilliard. Everyone's been to every, like, what does Juilliard have to do with comedy? I don't know when everyone's fucking been there.

You know what I mean? Like, like now it's like, you can't be great at one thing. You have to be kind of mediocre at 150 things. Right. You know, which is great in its own way, but it sucks too, you know? Yeah. I mean, I was particularly, I mean, specifically like with comedians, cause they all, every comedian's on Twitter and you have to give your jokes away.

Like. That's the thing. Like if you had jokes in the eighties, like those jokes would last you for 10 years. You could go on the road and make a kick-ass living. Doing the same set. Off the same set. And now you have, it's such a turnover. It's a quick turnover. Now it's not about quality. It's about quantity, you know?

And that was a hard thing to learn coming back into comedy. It, that it's, the turnover rate is so quick. And I think that's not just in comedy, but any kind of business. Well, music industry, same thing. You can't wait for an album anymore. You can't get, you, if you don't have something every year or two, you're gone.

Yeah. People forget you and that's it. Yeah. Like, like now, like back in the day, you could, at the age of 32, you wrote a kick-ass album because you were sucking and fucking and fucking your life up for a good decade, you know? And now, like, you have to have those exact same thoughts and you're 19 or 21, you know? It's, yeah, like, that I miss, that I miss. But on the opposite side, you have it more within your control, even if you're mediocre.

But, and to talk about the turnover now, I listened to your show where you did the interview with the gentleman who did the comedy records. Oh, David Drozen, yeah. That was an amazing show. Because he was the first guy that recorded Pryor. Yeah. Oh, that story about Pryor giving blowjobs for six bucks a shot.

I was just like, I'm still getting chills. I'm like, that was a, that was a crazy story. I recommend, we'll put it in the show notes, but it was a great show. Yeah, that was on the She Said What podcast. Yeah. And, but he was saying that, like, comics would go up and do new material and then people would ask for, like, old bits.

So, do you still kind of see that happening? Like, like, classic bits? Like, stuff that they want to hear? So, from me, specifically, or from other comedians? Or, you or whatever. I mean, do you still see that, given that the turnover is so high because everybody's, you know, tweeting all their jokes? Right. No, the, the thing is, it's kind of a weird thing because you have your YouTube page and you put some jokes on there, but you don't want to put all your jokes or the gist of the framework of your act on YouTube because you don't want people coming to your show.

And then going, I've already heard all this. I've already heard all this because comedy is a little different than music. If you are doing music, people want to hear those songs. Yeah. But it's the same joke really funny three times over. You know what I mean? Or even once if it's Dane Cook. Might not. You know what? I, I, I get what everyone's saying about Dane Cook, but I really respect Dane Cook.

Well, you got to respect him. Look at, I mean, talking about what you were talking about, about being mediocre at a million things. He's the prime example of a comedian that knew how to get himself online, knew how to take care of every aspect of his business and build it. So whether you think he's funny or not, he did a great job.

I think that's a, I'm going to challenge you on this a little bit. And, and the thing is, it's very easy to say, yeah, that person is a hack or that person, fuck Dane Cook and is what he did on MySpace and all that kind of stuff. It's very easy to say that, but the truth of the matter is, uh, I can't argue that Dane Cook is changing the comedy landscape, but I can't argue this. It's really hard to go up in front of a crowd and fucking kill it.

Okay. I see him kind of as they say the Dave Matthews band of comedy. He's somebody that I personally can't stand, but a lot of people do. Yeah. A lot of people love them. So, and I don't, he's got to be funny. He has to be funny to get on stage and to be in front of that many people.

And Dave Matthews is pretty competent. Yeah. You know what I mean? Is he changing the landscape of music? No. But you know what? You know, sometimes you, do you always eat something that changes the landscape of food? You know what I mean? Like you have Doritos here and fucking whiskey. So no, sometimes you just want fucking Doritos, you know?

Dave Cook is the Doritos of comedy. There we go. There you go. And you know what? I wish I was the Doritos of comedy. I would like to be the Doritos of anything. That's a lot of money. That's a lot of money. So there you go. Comment of the week! Our comment of the week comes from the iTunes comments, which is always nice. We like those. Well, we like any comment, website, email, whatever you want.

No, but iTunes are especially good for us. Especially when you give us a big star rating. We love that. So thank you, Jonah820. His comment is, I'm assuming him, Jonah. I think you also have to read this in a British accent because I do believe it is distinctly British. Oh, okay. Well, I can't do that. I promise. Just to piss off the anonymous guy, I'm not in any kind of character. I'm just me, me, me.

Oh, that's right. Great podcast. Nothing spectacular. Well, that part. Just tech talk by two guys who do know what they are on about. Interesting tips come up now and again, almost by accident. Well, that's kind of how we run our lives. But generally, if you're a middle-aged geek who knows what a rap-a-net is, this is your bag. A rap-a-net.

A rap-a-net. A rap-a-net. Apparently, I don't. It's amazing what happens when you're trying to read something and not thinking ahead. Oh, that must have been Ronald Reagan with all those speeches. Bring down this wall. Entertaining and funny. By the way, I last had an American beer 30 years ago at RAF Skullthorpe in Norfolk, UK, USAF Air Base.

It was a Michelob. It was terrible rubbish, which during my alcoholism days was a real pita. It was a real pita. Pain in the ass. As it was impossible to get drunk on American beer before running out of cash. Keep it up, guys, and thanks, Jonah. Well, thank you, Jonah. Always nice to have somebody over there listening to us because I've spent two years of my life living in London and I've always been kind of an Anglophile, so I'm glad that we're making the divide.

I love England. It's just too damn expensive for me. And their pizza's terrible. The food has gotten a lot better. Okay. The beer is so much better than ours. Yes. Yes. And we have put away the Michelob, so. Yes. We're not drinking Michelob today. We're both on kind of our own choices. I'm drinking a Red Stripe lager.

And I'm drinking a Guinness. Yes. There you go. It really, you know, I really liked it for about 10 seconds or two weeks. Yeah. And that shit is just terrible. There's always so much. I don't care. I would rather do another 10 laps at the gym than the caloric reduction beer.

Right. Well, I mean, I've taken the secret of the Michelob Ultra to my weekly trivia game, which is I start with two decent real beers. And after that, I'll go ahead and switch to the Ultra. And it's not bad. That's a good idea. So that's kind of the way to do it. You've got to find, you know, your yin-yang on the Ultra.

Well, especially when you're doing trivia, you need to stay sharp. I approach trivia like I play pool. There's a sweet spot of drunkenness in which you're much better than you are sober. But if you go beyond that, you're a complete mess again. Yeah. So it's a teeter-totter. Okay. Well, thank you for the comment. And if you want to be on the next comment of the week, then go to iTunes, give us a rating, good or bad, but preferably good, and leave us a comment.

Yes, please do. And cheers. Cheers. In the news... So, Brian, your favorite site, fab.com, just got a bunch of money. Well, it's not my favorite site. My favorite site I can't mention. Oh, okay. So, you've got a $150 million investment on a $1 billion valuation.

A billion dollars. What is fab.com anyway? Fab is great. I love it. It's a great site, but all it is is a catalog of cool things. It's cool housewares, interesting, like, tech items. It's just stuff. Who's making those decisions that it's cool? People that buy the stuff.

People that buy the stuff. Like the bottle opener on the door. That little bottle opener over there on my fridge. People like Brian are the ones. So, like, whatever is the most popular goes to the front of their line? I'm sure they have algorithms for that that pop up, and they have featured items and stuff like that, but the reality is it's just a catalog, and it's valued at $1 billion.

Yeah. How does Sears and or Roebuck feel about this, since they had the catalog idea about 150 years ago and don't have a billion dollars? No, and they're dead, but... Do you guys go on Reddit a lot? Yeah. Yeah, I love Reddit. It's a great site. Yeah, they're not worth a billion dollars, but they get more traffic.

But these guys are, they're resellers. They don't make anything. Period. They're just directing traffic. Yeah, it's just, it's a storefront. Yeah. That's all it is, and a billion dollars. A billion dollar valuation. That just makes me... And they just raised $150 million, and they're looking for $100 million more.

But this is fake money, right? To do what? That's exactly it. Exactly. Yeah, to do what? To do what? They've got a website. It works. Unless they're going to... What do they need more money for? Try to take on Amazon and become a huge, big store. Well, have you guys been the best buy lately? Unfortunately, yeah. You wore the tumbleweeds blow?

I know. I was the best buy, like, a year ago, and then I went this week to get something for my kid, and, like, they don't have a lot of inventory anymore. Like, where are the workers? Like, how are people actually working? I'm still not entirely sure how this economy is propped up at all at this point.

I really don't understand it, because anything real or valuable or physical doesn't really exist. Nobody's getting paid. Everything just kind of shows up from a cloud, from the Amazon cloud. It just shows up at your house when you order something. Do you ever hear... I remember this when...

We're all going to be UTS drivers. I said, like, 2008, no, the dead cat bounce. You remember that? The economy is basically, when you throw a cat out the window, and it dies when it hits the ground, it still bounces, but it looks like it's alive. That's our economy now. That's the economy. Wow.

It's the dead cat bounce theory. Wow. It's like, oh, we're coming back. Everything's going good. You're fucking scary, dude. Dead cat's still fucking dead. No, that cat's still fucking dead. It ain't gonna get him and walk away. It's still cool to see a dead cat bounce, though. I think you should check out YouTube. Or, speaking of dead things, Vine.

Vine is now dead. Are you on Vine? You know what? I was on Vine. For seven seconds of comedy clips? You know, a lot of comedians are on Vine, and I was on Vine, but it was too glitchy. I bet you Stephen Wright was never on Vine. Yeah. You cannot do a seven-second joke.

Yeah, that's... No, he could actually do a seven-second joke. But I thought it was way too glitchy, and I would spend, like, a half hour doing something, and it just would glitch out, and it's like, screw this. Well, it doesn't matter, because it's now dead. Yeah. Do you really think it's going to be dead? It's dead, because today, Instagram pushed a new update, and they now do video.

Wow. And it's eight seconds longer, so 15 seconds total. So, you know, for the guys with stamina, this is way better. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They can show off how long they can last. It's probably less glitchy, because they've had a lot of experience. I mean, Instagram's been running as a professional thing for a long time, and Vine was basically just a startup, so...

I do love my Instagram, so I'm going to for sure check that out. Well, that's the entire point about Vine being dead, is really that Instagram has such a large user base already. Basically, anybody that went to Vine... But Vine has a pretty good user base, right? Considering how new it is. I guarantee you all of them are Instagram users, too. That's true. If you're into it, you got both, and now you can do your video just with Instagram, so why would you ever switch apps?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I think it's dead. Yeah. Cat is still bouncing, but... Oh, poor Fluffy. Do you guys do Vine at all? Have you done any? I did one when I got these cool little motorized blinds in my place that keep it a little cooler in here.

I was like, okay, I finally found something I could do a seven-second video with, and that was it. That was my one-up. Yeah. Some people are really good on Vine, though. Doritos, actually. Oh, really? Doritos did a really cool stop-motion little thing. That's the only thing that I know that has actually popped.

Right. But are they actually doing it with the Vine application on a phone, or are they videoing it and then... Editing it, and then somehow sneaking it into the system. Who knows? I don't know. I think you have to do it with the app, though. I don't think that there's a way to import video.

Yes, sir. You can do it on your monitor. You can do it on your computer and then just stick your phone right up to the monitor and video what you've edited. Oh, very ghetto. Not that I've done that. So, yeah. Vine's dead. Vine's dead.

Anyway, I think a lot of things are dead because I have kids. I have a 12 and 13-year-old, and to see what they're doing now is frightening. It really is frightening. Right. Like, they don't pay for music. Right. They don't even do Pandora. Fuck Pandora. They don't do any of that. They do...

They just stream it off iTunes or YouTube. Not YouTube. No, no. It's another program that they use. And I'm like, no, no, no. We need to pay people at least, you know. Right. Like, I don't mind buying a song here and there. But now it's over. They don't watch TV. It's dead for that generation, right?

Yeah, it's dead. They don't watch TV. Nothing that they're going to access on the internet are they going to pay for. Yeah. It's kind of frightening. And when you're raised that way, and that's what you expect, it doesn't change once you start to actually make money. Assuming they'll be able to make money because there'll be jobs. Yeah. Assuming there'll be a job. Yeah. Yeah. Because there certainly isn't content creation jobs anymore.

I mean, people are stopping to pay for content. It's kind of an elite out there that actually are able to still get paid to be anything creative. Yeah. Books, music, whatever. It's harder to make a buck. Well, I remember hearing five years ago that due to the internet, people aren't going to pay for anything on the internet, but people will pay a premium for a personal experience.

And I think that's true. Yeah. Like, so people, whatever job that you have that is a personal experience, it could be something as simple as nursing. Hooking. You know what I mean? Hooking. Hooking. Stripping, you know. Stripping. That's a personal experience. That is. But even like I, this program that I'm working on through the Indiegogo, the peeping comics, like, even peep shows are out of business because everyone accesses porn on the internet.

Yeah. Like, everything is, like, I don't understand how it's going to work. I, I'm, I'm mystified as well. Yeah. I mean, we spent, I think, a couple of our first episodes that we didn't end up releasing because we were cussing every other word or mentioning clients' names that would get us fired or things like that. I mean, we spent a long time talking about it.

My question to Jason was, how the fuck does anybody make money anymore? Yeah. I don't get it. I don't get it either. I mean, right now, it's just eyeballs in advertising, so, and even the advertisers are going away because they're not making money on the clients. There's an easy plug-ins that you can stall that you never see an ad.

I never see ads, so I don't understand the advertising income either. But they still sell advertising to plumbers, and plumbers still go out and, you know, plumb. There you go. They plumb with a plumb. You'll always need a plumber unless we learn to stop pooping. You'll always need a plumber. But that goes back to physical interactions, you know?

If you're not digging a ditch or building a bridge, then, you know, you can blog all you want, but nobody's going to pay for that shit. Well, it's just like people would, before bands would make money off their swag, not off their swag, but off their record sales, and not really make so much money off a personal experience.

They would make some, but now it's the opposite. Now it's all tour. You don't make money off of content. Recording your album is a loss leader. That's right. It's just to get you on the road. You're making money off the personal experience. And are bands still actually taking label money, or are they doing it themselves just to put it out and get on the road?

It's all different now. It's all different. It's all over the place. I know someone who was a songwriter and pretty big songwriter, and now they're doing stuff like at some of these music labels where they're marketing to colleges, like, come get a master degree in music at Warner Brothers, blah, blah, blah.

But you're actually paying someone to fucking develop you. Yeah. You're going to pay them like you're paying a college for them to put your first record out. Yeah. And who knows if they're even really putting it out. You're paying someone to do that. Even if they did put it out, it won't sell anything, and then the label's going to drop you.

So they took the money just to pretend to develop you. Yeah. It's all over the, like, labels are still useful in terms of the fact that there's a filter there to some extent. Otherwise, it's just everybody. A filter in what sense? In that they go through a process. Bands go through a process of somebody at the label, an A&R agent, finding them and going, okay, we can actually do something.

But that's dead now, don't you think? Are there actually A&R agents? There still are. There are a few. A couple guys with their backward hats. But beyond that, it's just everybody throwing up their tracks on SoundCloud and then putting it up on their Facebook and their Twitter and link and listen to me. And it's almost impossible for a band to break.

The only way a band does break anymore is going back really old school and getting on the road and touring. That's exactly it. And just playing show and show after show after show after show and building up their mailing list. Yeah. And hopefully, you know, you get a legion of 14-year-old girls that are so into you that they can't, you know, shut up about it.

And that's the only way to make it now. That's it. And what about 14-year-old boys? 14-year-old boys are too busy spanking off to the completely freely available porn tap that comes out of the internet. They're on you porn all day long. I mean, that's... I can't even... I'm not listening. I know.

You have two boys coming of that age. Oh, no. But I can't even tell you how strong that drive is at that age. And if we would have had an unlimited tap of every conceivable woman and girl in every position known to man, I would never have left the house. We had the Sears fucking catalog.

We had the Sears Roebuck catalog. But you know what? That's a problem because one of my sons was looking at porn and it was my younger son. And it's just like, you know, it's not like when I was a kid and my brother was looking at porn and you saw maybe something kind of pink and shiny, sort of, right?

Now it's like stuff that they're like, whoa, it like fucks them up. Now it's like if you aren't doing ass to mouth, I don't even know what the hell to do. Because it's so out there and just in your face and extreme. By the way, I don't think a 12-year-old should know that around the world, you have to end at the first hole you started with.

I just don't think that's happening. No, a 12-year-old around the world should still be, it took 80 days and they were in a balloon. Yeah. Not I started at the butthole, I end at the butthole. I didn't learn that until I was 32. Around the world with Felicia Michaels.

So, yeah. Yeah, it's a crazy world. I can't even imagine. It's just insane. I mean, that's, and, well, you talk about money. Are the porn stars even making money anymore? No. Like all that shit.

Who pays for porn? They all shop at Target with me on the valley. Yeah. I know that's interesting. You can't even make money doing that anymore. You can't even live rich as a porn star. No. Yeah. You're a total ghettoed. Yeah. So much for the physical world, too. Nobody's making any money.

Kickstarter in the balls. So, normally right now I would be picking on some celebrity that's on Kickstarter and laughing at them and their failure or their success and say why it sucks. But we'll do something different. We have a positive Kickstarter story here. You know what?

I have participated in three Kickstarters and one Indiegogo. And I have to tell you, the first Kickstarter was a traditional kind of Kickstarter. It was a photographer that did pictures about some dog he adopted in the Himalayas and had bladder cancer when he took him to Kansas or some shit.

But he took a picture of a cloud that looked like a dog and I was like, that's some pretty shit. So, I donated $15. I'm sure it was $50 or whatever. And then the second Kickstarter I did was through a mutual friend of ours named Wendy Marvel, which was a flip book. And that was an exciting Kickstarter because it ranked pretty high in all the Kickstarters and funding for what they asked for, which wasn't that much in what they got in return.

And it ranked pretty high and did well and got into all sorts of magazines and all that and is a really cool thing that they did. Yeah, it is cool. And then the third Kickstarter I did was, and it's going to film this late August or September.

It's a schlock horror film that has comedy in it. And it's a bunch of guys in New York. And one of the guys I did comedy with, we did a USO tour in Iraq. So, I was like, you know, I'm going to fund this Kickstarter. And if I can laugh with a guy in Iraq in the middle of fucking nowhere getting shot at in a Blackhawk, I can fucking laugh with this guy anywhere.

So, we're doing this schlock horror thing called The Devil's Tree at the end of the year. And then, this is the project that I'm most excited about, is a project that I found on Indiegogo with this girl named Lucky Deluxe. And she also goes by Susanna Lee.

And she is a comedian, but she also does burlesque dancing. She's a very... I'm excited. Yes. She has like kind of a retro vintage, you know, like she's big busted, big kind of girl, but sexy in her own goofy way.

And she was looking to fund a show called Peeping Comics. And so, she works as a burlesque dancer and then sometimes as a stripper. But she works at the last peep show in LA in the valley called Venus Fair. And so, it's her doing a peep show.

And it's like old school peep showy. Like, you don't see that anymore. Do you have to put the coins in the booth to get in? Oh, the money in the booth. And there's like stains on the walls. We don't have to say what they are. And she interviews comics. While she gives a peep show. And that really spoke to me because when I was 18, I was a stripper.

And so, when I saw her Indiegogo, I was like, not only am I going to fund this Indiegogo, I'm going to fucking get... I'm going to work on this Indiegogo. You know what I mean? And so, I've been working on it with her. And we've had everyone from Paul Provenza to Margaret Cho.

It's probably going to premiere as a web series in the early fall, end of summer. And then I've been directing them. So, it's been really great. Yeah. So, for me, those kind of projects are super interesting. If you specifically know what you want to fund or you want to participate in, it's great.

What I like about those projects is they are kind of independent. The stuff that we pick on is like your Zach Braff, who's then taking his film that he just got your money for and then taking it to a major studio. Who gets all the profits. Like, who get all the profits and kicking a little more money.

Right. So, I love Kickstarter for these smaller projects, these independent things. That's amazing. Don't be mad at Zach Braff because he gets up earlier than you and is more organized. Don't be mad at him for that. I've seen a photo of his apartment. I'm way more organized. Okay.

I think it's, you know, look, is it fair? Maybe not necessarily that he's using those kind of processes to get money. But it's not about the money sometimes as it is about the publicity. Look how much publicity he got off of that. Yeah. He got a ton. That's okay. That's okay.

Well, he got $2 million too, so it's. Yeah. But the worry is there's only so much atmosphere. And as he's sucking everything out of Kickstarter and our people. But that's all right because something else will come along. That's true. Yeah. There will always be something else. He's always two years behind. Like, people like that are always two years behind anyway.

Right. That's how I feel. Oh, so you call that a home to you? It's crap. So a buddy of mine I worked with at the last agency I was at, his friends created an iPhone app called Let's Date. Uh-huh. And the premise is you have to have at least 50 Facebook friends to start with.

Yeah. So if you don't have 50 friends. You can't be dating. You can't join. Right. But it's not really friends. People you know. 50 people you know. Yeah. You have to have conned 50 people into being your buddy on Facebook. Okay. And once you join, put up your profile and you go through a little questionnaire and then you get presented with just pictures of people and you can say, no thanks or let's date.

And if those people. Isn't that bang with friends? Basically get presented with their set of people based on their thing. And if they say let's date, they put you together. Okay. It's bang with friends. Except it says it nicer. It's bang with friends, but you know, in a prettier interface. Have you done it?

Have you tried it? I have done it. And how is it? Zero. I mean, granted, I'm not the most photogenic gentleman you've probably ever met. I'm not saying uh-huh like, yeah, you fucking better put a bag over your head. I'm saying uh-huh like I'm listening. I'm listening. It's okay.

You can say that. No, no. I'm not. I'm just saying I'm listening. Uh-huh. I'm listening. So as an experiment, I went through and did a couple of them. And I would get like girls that said let's date. Right. You know, I got some positive feedback, but I would go through and I would pick the girls I liked and never any hits, nothing.

And then one day I went through and said, fuck it. I'm going to do an experiment. I'm going to say I'm going to date everybody. Uh-huh. Same thing. No hits. But I've got an email saying you've got four girls that want to go on a date. And I'm like, okay, well, if you're showing me all the girls that want to go on a date with me, and I said yes, why can't I go on a date?

Oh, maybe it's they're counting people that made a hit on your picture. No, there are four girls that click the let's go on a date button. Uh-huh. Not the girl that looked at my picture. Right. They said let's go on a date. They actually said I want to go on a date. So then they show me all the girls that I can go on a date with that I matched with.

And you said yes. I said yes. And nothing happens? Nothing. Absolutely zero. So I don't know if they're lying about the number of people that I've met or that have seen my profile and clicked on it. Or it's just, I don't know. Have you done other dating sites? I have.

I have, actually. What dating sites have you done? I did Match, which didn't work. Yeah, you can't do Match and live in Venice, California. I'm sorry. Really? I'm sorry. Yeah, you know, what are you going to date some waitress in Simi Valley? Like, seriously. Well, I used to do that without Match. That's on you. That's on you.

And your problems. Because I do a lot of security stuff. Uh-huh. So what I found on Match was- When you say security stuff, what do you mean? Like online security, like finding scammers and hackers and stuff like that. And what I found was anybody that contacted me on Match was somebody that would try and take me out of the Match system to basically steal my identity.

It wasn't- You're so full of shit. Are you serious? I am 100% serious. I think- Then you go back the next day and the profiles are deleted. I've got to say, I tend to- Match is a huge phishing scam. Really? I tend to think that the women's experience on online dating versus men's experience on online dating are completely different.

I think men are targets for spam. Are you kidding if you're- If you're on online dating and you're a man, there are a million women that want to be with a man. Most of them fake. No. I think so. Really? Isn't that your experience? I never met one person on there. I talked to everybody- Are you serious? Yeah. There's just no way.

Are you serious? I can't believe this. They lure you with pictures of their almost boobies and say, click on this link and give me your credit card. Actually, they were just in-system emails and they're like, yeah, I don't like this. Can we go on AIM? And as soon as they start talking to you and it's just a disposable AIM handle, like, you know- AIM?

What's AIM? Instant messenger. Yeah. AIM instant messenger or Gmail chat or some kind of instant chat message that's not inside the dating profile. Are you serious? Yeah. That's one of the key flags. If somebody comes to you and says, I don't want to chat here, let's go over here.

Uh-huh. Because the services actually monitor that stuff for people who are trying to steal identities. Well, you know what? I was reading, and this just happened last week, that the CEO of Plenty of Fish said, and I made a joke about it on my Facebook, that now they're not going to allow people to look for other people outside of 14-year age difference.

So if you're 50 and you want to talk to a 30-year-old, forget it because that's more than 14 years. Yeah. What if you're really into the silver-haired devils? I know. Even I felt that was a little bit excessive. 14 seems a little too close. There are plenty of relationships. And then someone said that the rule is it should be half your age plus seven.

So if you're 40, then you shouldn't be dating anyone younger than 27. Okay. That's fair. I can see that. I've heard that rule before. I wouldn't want to. I've talked to some 25 and 26-year-old girls, and they're idiots. I have an ex-boyfriend who I'm still in love with, and I've stopped, but now I've stopped.

I'm dating others. You still have his Facebook profile bookmarked, though, somewhere, don't you? No, I don't because I had to kick him off my Facebook. Sometimes you've got to burn a bridge for your own mental well-being. And he's dating a 21-year-old. Yeah, but that's just ego at that point, right?

What is that? That's not real relationship. That's just, I can bang a 21-year-old. But he's in love with her. He's in love with her. No, he's in love with her titties. Yeah, yeah. But I have the titties of a 14-year-old girl, the ass of a 63-year-old woman, but the titties of a 14-year-old girl, so it shouldn't be either. If you average it out, you're not right in the middle.

Kind of true. Anyway, but isn't that crazy? That's crazy, right? Yeah, that's an insane difference. What do you talk about? You don't. What do you talk about in that age difference? I don't think he probably does. What could you? Where are we going to go eat? Take off your panties.

She's like, you know, do you want to eat our schitzel? And get out. That's confusing to me. Yeah. Anyway. But I did quite well on the internet dating. I liked the internet dating. Yeah. Did you find yourself... Women versus men. Well, again, I think it's a lot easier for women online.

I don't think so. I think it's easier for men. I'm talking about it. I think it's hard if you are a woman of a certain age or perhaps over a certain weight limit. And I say, fuck off. No. Well, obviously, it's not you. You've had a good time. You're doing a good time. Yeah, you're doing good. All right. All right. No, it's weird when you do...

Because I've done Match. It was the first one I did. And I met someone who I had a year-long relationship with. And that was fine. But Match is a little Simi Valley. Match is a little, like... It's a little, you know, mediocre. I did Nerve. Okay. I heard that was a good one for relatively smarter people. Plus, it didn't get...

It wasn't mainstream. So, people that signed up for it were kind of somewhat serious about it. You know, when... Like, they didn't just sign up. They're just like, oh, I'm really Nerve. It attracted smarter, techie. Yeah. It was more tech kind of people. That's where Clayton Cubitt has his blog there, doesn't he, on Nerve?

Oh, I don't know. Because that was a couple of years ago. But I met someone that I actually even got engaged to for a little while. He was a lot older than me. But it was more techie, interesting, you know, kind of people. And then... Making a note. Yeah. But the people that were on Nerve, the guys... Show notes for Jason.

...that were on Nerve tended to be guys that had done a lot of threesomes, which are overrated. And although I've never done a threesome. But I hear... Somebody always gets jealous. Have you done a threesome? Yeah. You have? Did one girl, like, end up in tears? Because that's what I hear. No, because the one threesome I did have, both of the girls were bi.

I actually ended up in tears in the corner. I'm like, what about me? Exactly. Someone ends up in tears in a threesome. Someone ends up in tears. Tears of joy. Tears of like, what's wrong with my clit? So I did... Then I did OkCupid and a little bit of Plenty of Fish.

And no e-harmony? Is that old guy a little too creepy? With his eight points of whatever? I tried to do e-harmony, but then I couldn't fill out the forms. I filled out the form and I got no matches. Oh, really? They're like, you are unlovable. Get the fuck out. I think you need to try this experiment again when you leave L.A.

It might just be an L.A. thing. No, e-harmony, we did a couple tests with it. We did some... Because I like to test things when they say you're an unlovable piece of shit. I like to be able to go after that. I need to test this theory. I'm like, let me take it again and figure out what part of me is unlovable.

Well, because I can change. I'm a grown-ass man. I can change. The atheism thing killed it. Oh, on e-harmony? Of course it will. Of course. It's all a... Yeah. I found a bunch of... You gotta pretend to be religious on there. Yeah. A bunch of crazy-ass religious girls.

And Catholic girls are great. I dated a bunch of Catholic girls. They were great in the teens. You don't want to deal with that later in life. That's the problem. That's how it goes. But yeah, e-harmony was just... You need to catch them in the rebellious phase. OkCupid's good, though. For me, my style of guy, OkCupid, I felt was the favorite.

And the interface, like how you go about it on the page of OkCupid was, I think, very girl-friendly. Yeah. Check that one out. So, anyway... I am just beyond happy that... Skip last date. Oh, yeah. You're married now. That I've never actually had to do the online dating.

You never did the online dating once? No, I never did. Brian bangs everybody. Shut up. That's what he's telling you. I cast a wide net. Well, no. We would go to lunch, and these girls would come by, and they're like, hi, Brian. You know? And you're like, oh, that was awkward.

I dated her. You know, like three girls in one... I'm trying to get through my fish sandwich, and three girls came by one day. Did you pick fish sandwich on purpose? Huh? So was I, Jason. So was I.

Security! Ha! Okay. So, we were talking a little bit about you and your young sons, who are about to come of age. Yes. And are now living in a world where, first, they don't want to pay for anything. They don't want to pay for anything. Yeah. Especially ass-to-mouth.

Especially ATM. Yeah. ATM. Which is where you used to get your money. I'm uncomfortable, suddenly. I've seen your bits. This should not be uncomfortable. I know. It's my son. It's my son. Yeah. We don't have...

We definitely don't have to talk about the fact that we're about to hit puberty, and they have the porn box, as Adam Grohl likes to call it. I'm more interested in just what it's like in terms of, you know, they have the world's information at their fingertips. Right. So they're constantly connected. I assume they have Facebook and all that.

Yeah, the hardest thing is for them to try to teach your kids to understand, like, everything you read off the internet is not factual. Right. You know? You don't know if that's real. Anyone can say... I can go in there and say shit. In a year, I can make a viral, you know, hit everywhere.

And it doesn't mean that it's true. That's the hardest thing about having kids, is that it doesn't mean everything you read is true. Right. Well, I mean, think about the book that I recommended last week. It's called Trust Me, I'm Lying. Yeah. Which is a media manipulator who basically goes out and puts out false stories. And he's the head of promotion for American Apparel.

So it's not... And so if he can manipulate the media to say anything, then you can't trust anything. Well, I mean, let's start off with the premise that even though 20 years ago, whatever you saw in the news, you don't know if that was truly the news. Walter Cronkite was the man.

Come on. He was not... But you don't know that. There was still a lot of spin. You don't know that. Yeah. You don't know that. Because the news can be so manipulated by whoever's editing it. So you don't know. But everything on the internet can't be true, you know? Well, and then there's just stupid people that think that the Onion stories are true.

I mean, you see that passed around. That always cracks me up when someone thinks the Onion story is true. Yeah. That always cracks me up. Generally in the Midwest. But, well, who doesn't have a mother that sends them... Yes. I've read more books on Republican bullshit just to go back, find the passage that they have changed that go out in the chain letters that my mom gets that she then sends to me.

And she goes, do you know Lee Iacocca hates Barack Obama? I'm like, I'm going to go read a fucking book to figure out the exact line. And he's like, no, this is the line where he says he actually likes Barack Obama. Even though, fuck Barack Obama now because he's no better than the best. Where are you originally from?

I've moved 90 times, so I'm kind of all over the map. But where are you originally from? I was born in Pittsburgh. Uh-huh. And where did you grow up mostly? Mostly east of the Mississippi. Okay. And where did you go to college? East of the Mississippi, Chicago. Okay.

I went to photography school in Chicago, so. Yeah. Well, I always find it interesting because I was dating a gentleman a year ago, and he was, he has definitely a political point of view, and he was very dismissive. He grew up here in Los Angeles, and he's very dismissive of the flyover states.

We tend to do that here. I know. And it's like, I was born in Kansas, but I'm an army brat, so I grew up a little bit everywhere with a German mother, so cynicism is always there, you know. But my father still lives in Kansas, and I actually bought a little pukey house out there, and I get defensive when people start talking shit about people from the flyover states, you know, because I think it's very easy for people that live in big hubs like Los Angeles

or New York or Chicago, for them to take a dismissive view out of the rest of America, you know, because it's not that the rest of America is ignorant, it's just the rest of America is having a different experience that you or I are having. Oh, it's a completely different life. Yeah, I mean, in Kansas, in a little town, I bought a house for $8,000, you know, and when you're there, the value of what's important to them is just different than the value of what's important to us, you know, and for people who get dismissive, I get really protective

about it. And I used to get angry with this guy because he'd be like, ah, they're so ignorant, and you know, blah, blah, blah, and fracking, and, you know, screw them, they want to do fracking. It's like, look, I don't agree with fracking, but if you're living in the middle of nowhere, Yeah. And you're not shiny and haven't tumbled to New York or L.A., why wouldn't you want a $15 an hour job, you know, handling pipes for fracking?

You know, I'm not saying it's correct. Especially if there's no other work. Yeah, but if there's no other work or no other hope, you're going to take what you're going to take. And to be dismissive of people like that and think they're ignorant is not right, you know, it's perhaps your value is wrong. Well, and just to be clear, I'm not saying my mother is ignorant.

You know, I get that part, but I just did, I introduced her to Snopes, Snopes.com. Which is, Snopes.com? Snopes is basically the, yeah, if you come across. It's the debunker of the internet. It's a debunker. So if you get, if you get like a, just a urban legend or something, you can go to Snopes and they will show you the history of that urban legend.

And they will reference everything and tell you where it started, how it's wrong. And that's how you say, if it's true or false or questionable. Yeah. So. It's the Mythbusters in the internet. They are. They actually are. Because it, and once I showed her that, she's like, I looked it up on Snopes first. I looked it up on Snopes.

So as soon as my mom got to the point where she looked it up before she like believes everything. Uh-huh. Because there is a, I, I mean, I, I grew up in North Carolina. I'm a, I'm a rural kid. You know, I grew up around all those people and they're still my family. And I'm, I'm leaving on Monday to go back to it.

You know, I'm leaving Los Angeles for good. So. You are? Yeah. Really? Yeah. What are you going to do for your podcast? We're going to Skype it. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, wow. And every now and again, I'll fly in and we'll do a live show. I don't expect me to come visit. You know, you would love it, man. I fly over. No, there's some parts of North Carolina that are nice.

There are. Is Raleigh dorm? That's in North Carolina, right? It is. I didn't really like Raleigh. I grew up on the coast. I grew up like 50 miles from the coast. So I used to go to Duck and Nags Head when I was a kid. I lived in Virginia Beach, lived in Florida. I like, literally, I've lived in 14 states. So I've been around, but I love North Carolina.

I was the only white kid in the black school. Oh, really? So that was fun. Yeah. But yeah, I mean, I love it back there. But it's just, I think that, honestly, they're more receptive to things that they read on the internet and see on TV. They're more trusting.

They don't question. Because they, well, they're not in this environment of complete and utter bullshit that we're in here. We don't believe anybody right away. You got to fucking prove you're actually right. Yeah. I think here. I mean, when somebody tells me something, I'm just like, yeah, sure. I'll check. I'll look into that. I don't believe people because we grow up with this mistrusting the media and mistrusting politicians.

Biggest asshole from every small town moves here. So we don't trust people because it's all the assholes that come here, present company excluded. But I mean, that's the mindset that we grow up in, in these big cities. And I think people in the, what we call the flyover states are way more trusting and they are more susceptible.

They are more trusting. Oh, I don't think so at all. I think they're, they're more distrustful. Absolutely. Really? Absolutely. Okay. Explain your position. I'm not saying they're, uh, I'm, I'm not saying they're more, uh, let me clarify this.

They're more distrustful, distrustful in a person to person exchange. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay. I get that. Well, I think we are secretly here. It's just, we put on an air of like, we always have to be nice to everybody here. This person might be able to get me a job or maybe they know somebody.

So I'm just going to smile and say how much I, Oh yeah, I do love you, Mr. Corolla. You're awesome. Yeah. That sort of thing. Um, and I think that there's more honesty and distrust in face-to-face relationships. But I think when people in North Carolina hop online, they don't have the cynicism that's baked into us that have lived in cities.

Right. No, they're more trusting information. They get that it's true. Yeah. Whatever is on MS. Well, we are not. Or Fox. Yeah. Whatever's on Fox News is definitely right. But then on the other hand, I read that Russell Brand made some chick cry on Fox that he interviewed. Oh, I saw that. He tore her apart.

And then it's like, dude, really? You have to make her cry? No one, you know, why make her cry? She's an idiot. Why make her cry? My question is, she already goes home at night because she's like, I'm on Fox News. But you're, okay, you're Russell Brand. Yeah, yeah. You're not going to appeal to anybody that watches Fox News.

Why even go in the first place? Why is he even on that? Yeah. Worry about the fact that no one has good teeth in your country. Worry about that. Don't worry about us, Russell Brand. We gave you Katy Perry and you treated her like shit. You treated Katy Perry like shit. Sorry. She knew what she was getting into.

All she had to do was read his first book. Yeah. What do you think went down there? Which one? I've got one of them on my... Brand X or something like that. He wrote that before he was ever with Katy Perry. He just goes off about how he's a drug addict and likes to fuck everything that moves. If somebody writes a 345 page book about how they're going to do that and then you still marry him, you're an idiot.

But being here in Los Angeles, how much of Russell Brand is an act? How much of that is really him? How much of it is persona? I think he's 90% rock star. I think he is one of the last... I think he is... Oh my God. We're wrestling right fucking now.

I think at least he used to be. I think when he was in England doing that, that was... No, that was like... He was like that MTV guy, Jesse whatever, that was on here like 20 years ago. Who was just... They found him and he was a crazy surfer kid that was just always fucking stoned and doing drugs.

That was Russell Brand in England. I think once he started to make some serious money and he came over here, he cleaned up his shit. But I don't even understand why he's famous. I don't either. I don't think he's funny. Does he... Has he sold concert tickets? Does he really sell a movie? Name a movie that he was in that fucking did Gangbusters. Well, it didn't do Gangbusters, but I really liked him in Arthur.

I thought he did. Oh, I hated... Oh my God. I'm going to punch this motherfucker. I'm with you. I'll hold him down. I thought that was the biggest piece of shit. Look, the original Arthur is... The original Arthur is a classic. It's a classic. It's Dudley Moore and you cannot fuck with Dudley Moore. I used...

What was it? Ordinary People? Was that the one where he was in the insane asylum and they started an ad agency? No, no, no, no, no. The Dudley Moore movie where it was like Porsche for guys who want handjobs from beautiful women they don't know. That movie was... I'm sorry. 10? Here's the deal.

It was Jaguar. It wasn't Porsche. Because I had the original poster from that movie on my wall in my apartment in Hollywood. I can't remember the name of it. Daryl Hannah and Dudley Moore and they were... He was like kind of crazy and they hired him in an ad. They went to an insane asylum and they started an ad agency.

And they just... He told truthful ads. I love Dudley Moore. Yeah. It's basically ugly guy... The only movie... Old guys who want handjobs from... The only movie Russell Brand was good on was Get Him to the Greek where he played... He was funny. He played himself. He played what Johnny Depp wishes he actually was in real life.

Oh, you guys are so crazy. I'm glad we did. I didn't know that about you guys before I came on this podcast. You guys want to fucking suck Russell Brand off. I don't want to suck him off. Because I call bullshit on him. Like... No, I agree with you. Yeah. I don't get it. I don't get it. I didn't like his book.

I'm really the artist of it. I don't know any other chick in America that would say, I want to sleep with Russell Brand. Really? Seriously? I'm sure there are plenty. Yeah. I'm sure there are tons. I don't know. Yeah. Because he's that rock star and he's on TV. That's all you need to be anymore. It's just so not true.

Like, as a comedian... He's more rock star than any rock star you can name now. Oh, he is not. Name a young kid rock star. A young kid rock star? Justin Bieber? No, I'm not going to say Justin Bieber, but Russell Brand? He acts more rock star than any rock star does now. He's more rock star than Bon Jovi.

What do you mean acts more rock star? Well, anybody's more rock star than me. What are you saying acts more rock star? But Bon Jovi used to be a rock star. I mean... The attitude. The attitude. The look. How he works himself every... He doesn't shower except every four to five days. I don't shower. I show up on Fox News and take a dump on the desk. I mean, he's a fucking rock star. I don't agree with him and I don't think he's funny, but he's definitely a rock star.

Wow, I can't believe that I'm arguing against Russell Brand against two guys. That's frightening. Ugh. So, back to the original subject, which is your kids and living online. Jesus. Oh, man.

Yeah, Russell Brand. No, I think he sucks. So, but let's get back to the original topic. Okay, all right, do it. So, what happens with your kids? Are they online all the time? Are they always texting? Do they both... Did you give them phones? What age did you give them phones? One headphone and the head ticket. And do you use parental controls? Do you let them free reign of the internet?

The Snapchat I'm not happy about and I make them take it off. And then he always puts it back on. Then I get pissed. And then he doesn't have his phone for three months. You give them rights to actually buy apps and put apps on the phone. Yeah. Here's the thing. My kids go to a private school and as soon as they hit sixth grade, they get an iPad through the school.

Which I'm unhappy about because I think that takes the parental decision away from when you want your kids to go on the internet constantly. True. So, I don't like that. And for the fact that, you know, kids, people that are running a school, they're not ahead of what kids are figuring out on the internet.

Oh, no. They're way behind. Oh, no. There's also, there's also the fact that the IT guys can watch anything that goes through those. Oh, yeah. I had an experience with my kid when I was on the road. Which is way freaking creepy. It's really creepy because when I was on the road last year, I was in Sacramento and I had my babysitter who I've had for 10 years and she spent three nights with the boys and my younger son would go on the internet and he got access through a virus on his PC where someone turned

the camera on and started talking to him and it freaked him the fuck out and he actually called the police, which I'm thankful for. So, it's scary, like, what can happen on the internet. It is scary. Yeah. And, I mean, you find yourself behind your own kids, I'd imagine, too.

They figure out stuff and apps and way before a parent would. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Like, Snapchat is bad. Yeah. And, they've already sexted it a little bit. Oh, dear. Oh, shit. Yeah. Yeah, I know. I know. I know, dude.

My kid's getting more action than I am. No. I wouldn't go that far. That was Brian, not me, by the way. I just want to clarify that. Although, it's true, but. Yeah. It's a strange world. Do you turn on any parental controls? You just give them free reign?

You know, I don't turn on parental controls because they, you know, I don't do it. And, it's bad. But, I do kind of try to limit when they're on the computer. It has to be in a family area where I know what they're doing.

I know that sounds like I'm in denial, and I am. But, I try to make them take off any apps that I don't approve. I know Snapchat is not a good one. Yeah. Or, Kick. I don't like Kick either. Kick and kiss my ass. What's Kick? I don't even know that one. And, Kick is a texting format.

See? You don't fucking know because you're old. But, that's what the kids use now is Kick. And, you know, what's scary about it is that they don't, they don't understand that it's a trail that they leave. That all of this is permanent.

You know, like my son was, is on Instagram. And, he, his father is way more tighter on all the social media stuff than I am. And, he, he is really into skateboarding. And, he liked some guy's meme where it was like, bitches be hoes meme.

And, my ex-husband got really upset by it. Me, I was just like, that's just retarded. Don't do that. It's just not even funny. But, the thing is, what they don't realize is that other parents are checking their kids' Instagram. And, that they see that you've liked that meme.

Yeah. So, they're not going to let you take their daughter to the movies. You know, like, you have to understand that there is a trail. Well, in 10 years, they're not going to get the job because, you know. Or, go to get to the college they want, you know. Right. They don't have a Facebook or anything like that yet. Or, a Twitter or anything like that.

That, I would stay. Facebook, I don't know. I think that would almost be better because it's such a public thing. And, it's so tied to your name. And, it's not anonymous. I think I would almost be more. Well, it's also legal. You can't have a, you can't have a Facebook account if you're under 13. Until you're 13. Yeah. Well, a lot of people skip that rule. Yeah, a lot of people.

Well, yeah. I'm 100 years old. I certify that I am, yes. Fine. Yeah. Yeah. Not a whole lot of control over a drop-down box, but. Yeah. I mean, to some degree, it's a weird thing. And, I get why you would think that it's almost like, oh, I should do more.

But, also, they are coming of age. And, this is just kind of how kids come of age now. Which is even weirder to think of. So, it's a weird thing when you're, like, I'm a single mother, and I have two boys. And, what's hard is to teach them to respect women, because they're on the internet so much.

And, there's so much negativity. Well, and this culture is very not respectful. Yes, of women. Yeah. And, so, it's really hard, like, when he first sexted someone, and it was, like, the little girl had sent a picture through Snapchat, or Kick, or something like that. And, he didn't, this is what's scary, he didn't send it to his friends, like, oh, look, she showed me her boobs.

But, at school, he showed a friend. The phone, right. And, the thing is, that's child pornography. Yeah. And, what kids don't realize. And, you're distributing. That's right. And, it could be even over state lines, depending on where your friend is. The police are cracking down on it.

But, there is a couple of fancy private schools here in LA, where they've actually went into the school, and have arrested students off the campus, for if you're a girl, and you send a guy a picture of your left boob, and he sends it to his friend, that's distributing child pornography.

Which is somewhat ridiculous legally. No, it's not ridiculous. It's not ridiculous. It's how it should be. It really is how it should be. But, teaching your kids that this could happen, you know, is hard. They don't get it. Especially when you're so desperate to see a boob at that age.

Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah. But, what happened, there was a big case about that. And, I think that they let the girl, she's not going to have to do time, obviously. But, that's what I meant by legally. I mean, the punishments that they would give. But, it's also for the rest of their lives. It's not necessarily, I'm worried you're going to do time. Well, you could be, you could be browned as a sex offender.

That's right. Which will be with you forever. That's right. That's what's scary about the internet. And, we talked about, we talked about this before with the girls who were in love with the Boston bomber guy. And, I'm like, these girls are going to be branded forever. Yeah. You know? And, it's just another thing where it's like, this trail is going to follow you.

You're going to, you're creating a trail. There's no erasing any of this stuff. But, kids are, you're too young to ever think about that. You still think you're never going to die at that age. And, you can't imagine. You can't plan ahead your life when you're 12, 13, 14, because you don't even have the capacity to do it. But, we're giving them the tools that are setting their lives.

I mean, I sexted with girls in Pennsylvania back in the day, but we did it with a Polaroid camera. Like, she would send me, give me a Polaroid, and I'd give her a Polaroid back. It was the same thing. So, I don't think it's, I don't think the... You can't forward the Polaroid to all your friends. No, once you got a fax machine.

No, once you have, but I'm saying it's, how do you start that? I'm uncomfortable, Brian. Make him stop. How do you, how do you, how do you, how do you stop a behavior that's endemic to everybody? Let's talk about Russell Brand again. You know, people do that shit. No, it's, it's really scary. I mean, it's, it's really scary, you know.

I mean, now we have the tools that everybody can see it forever. Before, it's like, okay, we burned the Polaroids and nobody can see them anymore. I was just talking with someone yesterday, an old comic that I knew from the 80s. At the Comedy Store, because that's where I started when Kinnison was there and Rob Williams was there. And the behavior was so bad and so drug-fueled at the Comedy Store.

And I said to him yesterday, imagine if there would have been iPhones in those days. Oh, yeah. That, that there's now, there's no period of time where you get to just lose your shit. There's no privacy. And have poor behavior. And that you, the thing you took away from it was a lesson. You know? 30 seconds ruined Michael Richards' career.

30 seconds of losing it ruined his career. And before, it would have happened and everybody would have had a story, but nobody would have known. It was worded out. There was no proof. Yeah. And the thing is, too, like, are we still recording? Oh, yeah. The thing is, too, it's like, someone might take 30 seconds about editing what we talked about earlier.

Someone can take 30 seconds of something, but they didn't take the two minutes beforehand that led up to that. It's out of context. It's out of context. Or the two minutes afterwards that wrapped that point in a nice blanket and presented something beautiful. Like, they're not doing all of that.

Especially writers or comedians who are pushing the edge and might have something in the middle of their rant that is really fucking horrible sounding by itself. But then it becomes something else. You don't understand it. And, yeah, when you take something out of context like that, it destroys everything. And look at, just to go back to politics for a second, don't yell at me.

Don't yell at me unless you bring up Russell Brown. I'm not. I'm not. I don't understand Eddie Izzard either. Oh. Oh. Them's fighting. Them's fighting words. Them's fighting words. Talking about that cross-dresser like that. You remember that? You're so against the TV generation.

Whatever. No, she's against Brits. No, no, it's not. She hates Brits. You know what it is? It's like, it's just like, you know, what irritates me more than anything is like the five people that are picked for each generation to be the spokesperson. Who fucking picks these people?

You know what I mean? I'm like, and what they say is, it's just like, I don't know, it just gets on my nerves. You know, like, I guess because. I mean, do you feel that Russell Brand and Eddie Izzard are two of the comedians of this generation? I don't feel that, honestly. But I do feel like, I don't understand, because I've never hung out with any other people other than you two fucking losers that ever defended Russell Brand.

I defended him in one movie. I didn't even get to say about how his dad said he was bullshit and the whole thing was an act. Yeah, yeah. Because I guess because, especially when it comes to comedians, like, I know your trick, motherfucker. I know your trick. It's like, that's why I could never date another comedian.

Because it's like, it doesn't, your magic doesn't work for me because I know your trick. It's driven completely by lies, fabrication, indulgence. You know what I mean? And yeah, I get it. You make people laugh, but I don't get your trick. I mean, I totally get your trick.

But that's all you got. Yeah, that's all you got. Yeah. And so when I see people like Eddie Izzard, and I, here's the thing. If anyone can make it past a certain point, I respect the tenacity of them. I respect Russell Brand's tenacity, I respect Eddie Izzard's tenacity, but their comedy just doesn't talk to me.

And that's how I feel about Dane, Dane Cook. Right, there you go, yeah. But I actually think Eddie Izzard is hilarious. And he's got the, he's got way more behind it besides just the I'm wearing lipstick and got fake tits on. See, I mean, you turned me on to Eddie, and I thought he was mediocre.

But the thing is, he's family friendly. Like, if you watch his show. He is family friendly. My little brother, because we were very selective of the comedy he could see. I mean, I got so much shit because I did, I showed him all the Chris Rock stuff, like when he was seven. Yeah, yeah. A little young for that.

He didn't get it yet. He wasn't, he wasn't there yet. But when he was like ten, I showed him Eddie Izzard's stuff, and he laughed the whole time, and he got it. Yeah. So, but he, because Eddie's family friendly, he doesn't swear, doesn't do all that stuff. So, I mean, he, like, Eddie's kind of like the McDonald's of comedy, I think.

I mean. Really? I wouldn't say that. I think so. I would, because he appeals to everybody. He's the fish and chips of comedy. He's English. Come on. Oh, so Long John Silver's? He's the Long John Silver's? I would say he's like the Indian food of comedy. Oh, okay. Yeah, and sometimes you just want Indian food. Well, you've got to be a little more sophisticated to get it, and then once you get it, it's good.

Yeah. I mean, as a comedian, it is a weird thing when your children or people younger than you like a certain thing. Like, for my children, they were all about Gabriel Iglesias. I don't know if you know who that is. No. You don't know who Gabriel Iglesias is? No, we're old. Really? You don't know who Gabriel Iglesias is? He's your age, Gabriel Iglesias.

Well, anyway, they were like, Gabriel Iglesias this and Gabriel Iglesias that. And Gabriel Iglesias is an incredibly talented storyteller, and it is interesting what other people like and what speaks to them. And just because I don't have a connection culturally with Eddie Izzard or Russell Brand, it just doesn't work for me.

Like, even though Chris Rock is African American, he can speak to everybody. And I feel like people like Russell Brand and Eddie Izzard don't necessarily speak to everybody, you know? I think Eddie Izzard goes out of his way to come off as kind of the intellectual concept. I was just going to say, he's an intellectual.

But I like that. That was Dennis Miller. That was Dennis Miller's thing, too. And I thought he was hilarious. He's not very funny. The thing that irritates me about some comedians is if you don't get what I'm saying, then you're the problem. Right. And that's why I get a little, like, turned off to people who are like that.

You know, I can respect their tenacity. It is arrogance. I can respect their tenacity, and I can respect intellectually what kind of went into it. But as soon as someone is like, you're a comedy, as soon as someone is like, you don't get my material, it's because you're not educated, then I'm like, done.

I'm done. Yeah, I get that. But I still think that there's a place for it, because I love when Eddie Izzard goes off and starts doing jokes about the Renaissance. And you kind of have to know some of the painters to get some of his jokes. I love it. But then he does bring Darth Vader back into it, so it's kind of like, it's cool.

Yeah. Yeah. We can all agree to disagree. Besides, comedy is a personal thing, right? Comedy is subjective. Comedy is totally subjective, yeah, just like music is. Like Bill Maher. We've had several rounds about Bill Maher. Yeah, I love Bill Maher. You do not. You don't like Bill Maher? I think Bill Maher is a lazy intellectual.

You also think he's arrogant. Oh, he's totally arrogant. But he is. But he's not a lazy intellectual. He's not a lazy intellectual. He's totally arrogant. Let me tell you, if you're at Universal Amphitheater, and you're doing political stuff to a crowd that maybe half the crowd is there to listen to you be political, and the other half is because they got free tickets and you're kind of famous.

Okay, so he's smart enough to know the balance. But if you can turn a crowd around, you know, I think that's an amazing thing. Okay. I mean, that's a good storyteller and performer. But like on his show, like we were talking about, like I watch his show, I watch real time, and he doesn't, he falls back on easy arguments, like, oh, well, you're stupid because you like God, you know?

And for that... Yeah, but I agree with that. I don't. If you're going to state a, you know, position, back up your position, and not just go back to the, well, you're a Republican. Eh. Right. You know? He does that a lot. He's very dismissive on the panels.

He does do that, but that's the shtick, and that's the show. You know, I just wanted to, I want to say, well, you're stupid because. I just want, I want that because moment, and he never pulls the because. Yeah. I just think it's amazing that he can get people on his show, and he says, fuck, dick, and cocksuck, you know what I mean?

Oh, no, like, that's amazing to me. Well, the politicians that need to get elected, that will come on that show. That's amazing to me. But I respect them, like, even the, especially the Republicans that come on that show, you gotta respect them, because it's, they're taking a real risk going on that show. The one thing about the show I do like is the panel is always more invested than he is, I think.

Yeah. And they do, the panel is fantastic. I always love the panel. Well, they're there to make their points. He's there to make jokes. But what you have to understand is for him to even be halfway informed of all political landscapes, that's an amazing feat in itself.

But what about the writers? No, but the writers, yeah. But here's the thing with comedy. You can be a comedian, and when you get to a certain point, you have to have writers, because it's, you're unable to do it. You can't keep up with absolutely everything. Because you're turning over material like that.

To be able to say a line, and to communicate the essence of the line, and to do it in a way that's supposed to be funny, and to do it that sounds like it's coming off the cuff, that's really fucking hard. Yeah. To read a card, and to be able to deliver that, that's like patting your head and rubbing your tummy at the same time.

It's literally that hard. Like, people talk shit about Chelsea Handler. What Chelsea Handler does is amazing. What Bill Maher does is amazing, because it's really hard to do that. Okay. You know, I'm not a big fan of Jay Leno, but it's hard to do that. I mean, he's had a lot of practice, but I'm not a big fan. But the fact that he can go on there and be so informed by every little tidbit, is he 100% informed?

I don't know that, but he's pretty informed. He knows enough to get by. That's amazing, you know? Okay. All right. No, and this is why I like, because I'm a comedy fan, but having an actual comedian in the room saying... And a shitty one at that. Well, no, but...

Are you kidding? The first time I listened to your stand-up thing, I put it on my iPod, and this is like about four or five years ago, when we had met, because you were doing photography with Wendy, my business partner, and I didn't know anything about your stand-up. I put it on my bike. I went on my bike ride up Malibu. I fell in this fucking sand.

I was laughing so damn hard. So, yes. That's very sweet of you to say. No, I did. I fell off the damn bike. But it's like, walk a mile in your shoes. I've never been on stage doing it, and I know it's got to be incredibly hard, because I thought about, you know, like, I mean, I've listened to comedy my whole life.

I loved... When I was your son's age, I was listening to Eddie Murphy doing Raw, you know? We traded cassettes, Carlin cassettes, all that stuff, and then... Even Billy Crystal was funny back then. You sit down to write a joke? Yeah. It's like... Ridiculous. Well, imagine that stand-up...

And then getting on stage. Doing stand-up comedy. If you're a guy, imagine you're making love to the most beautiful woman on the planet. As you're fucking her brains out, you're thinking about 156 things to say to her that'll make her laugh, and you're able to say it and sound sincere.

Imagine how hard that is. That's what comedy is when you're on stage. No, it really is that, because you're juggling what you're saying, you're juggling control of yourself, and you're juggling what's going on in the audience. Yeah, and you've got to take the temperature of the audience, you've got to shift and move accordingly. That's right, they're dropping the checks, and you're 40 minutes in, they just dropped the checks, no one's paying attention to you, and you still have to keep their attention.

That's why people like Bill Maher and those people, to me, like, that's amazing that they can do that. Closing shout-outs! I just wanted to ask you real quick about your photography series, because you're not just a comedian in a pretty face, you are actually a photographer.

You're so kind, because I'm old. No, I did comedy for 15 years, and then I stopped because of my kids, but at that time when I did comedy, and it will get to your question, at that time, like in the 80s and 90s, you would work the road a lot, and I used to work about 30 weeks out of the year on the road, and that was, you know, for 10 years, that was quite a while, and you would go Wednesdays to Sundays, so you would do, like, radio on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday,

but you had a lot of down time, and I picked up a camera, and I started photographing in the middle of nowhere, everywhere, and then I actually met your business partner, Wendy, when I took a photography class here in LA, and when I lived in New York, before I moved to LA, I had taken photography classes there at the new school, and I went to NYU film courses, and did all that kind of stuff, and so I would travel around with my camera on the road, and

I got to the point where I understood, as most people do when they photograph, what kind of photographer are you, and I'm a people person, I love to photograph people, and I love documentary photography, and it literally took me five years to, you know, whine and stand around, like, what do I want to photograph?

I want to photograph people, but I want a fucking story, and blah, blah, blah, blah. Hey, wait a minute, I know comedians, and so I started photographing, when I lived in New York, comedians backstage, and that was at the time on the Lower East Side, when the alternative comedy movement was coming about, and so I photographed Janine Garofalo, and Louis C.K., and Todd Berry, and all those guys, when they were first starting out, because those were my contemporaries, and so for the past, I would say, decade, I've been photographing

backstage, I do photograph sometimes on stage, but to me, comedy on stage is kind of boring when you're looking at it in a picture, so to me, it was all about the process that goes behind backstage, you know, because I see comedy a lot different than you guys would see comedy. To me, comedy is just a mirror of society, of what's going on in society.

If I can get up there and make a joke, and it makes you laugh, I'm mirroring your thoughts. I'm the mirror, so to me, I really love the idea of taking pictures backstage of these people, especially the people who are so excellent at it, because to me, they're like society's whistleblowers, and to me, the pressure you have backstage of going on stage and talking about super uncomfortable things is so interesting to me, you know, like, and so I've been working

on this project for about 10 years, and it's going to be a coffee table book, I work on it constantly, and the great thing about it is, from doing it for so long, is that I photograph people from the beginning who are now huge stars, and I keep photographing people at the beginning, so it's an ongoing project, and I'm very passionate about it, super passionate about it.

So, what's your process? Are you actually still shooting film, are you digital, or did you ever... I started it, no, I crossed over, because everyone has. I shot, I don't shoot with a flash, because it's distracting to me, when you're photographing like that, a flash is just, it's not fair to the performer if you're backstage.

I mean, I'm lucky to be backstage, because I know a lot of these guys, but if I'm being a distraction, it's a distraction anyway, without a flash, but if you, you know, but with a flash, it's totally unfair, and so I photographed in the beginning with 3200 film, and using my 50mm 1.4 lens, which is my favorite lens, and I crossed over about two and a half to three

years ago, when I felt, when I felt it was like, kind of comparable, you know what I mean? Because I'm, sometimes when I'm shooting, it is pitch black, like, yeah, I might shoot 100 frames, and two will be perfect, you know, and because the lighting is so unforgiving, you know?

Yeah, it's all natural light, I've seen, I've looked on your website, and I saw some of the stuff, and it's beautiful. Oh, thank you. It's beautiful stuff. Yeah, thank you. No, I'm so super passionate about it, and I don't even care if I make money from it, because to me, it's a record of what I did, and it's a record of everyone.

I mean, it is a historical record, in a sense, sure, of comedy, who gives a fuck, but, you know, everyone has to, you have to do your thing. No, that's important, very much so. It's very important, yeah. I mean... And it's such a unique viewpoint that people never see, like a comedian backstage. Sure, there are lots of photos of, you know, rock and rollers backstage with their beer and all that stuff, but how often have you seen a comedian, like, prepping, like, a hand up against the wall, and you can see the tension.

You can see the tension of it, yeah. And the great thing is, because I do know a lot of the comedians, I do have access, and there's been other photographers that shoot various parts of the comedians, like portraiture, or on stage, and even the big guys don't get access, like how I can get access sometimes.

It's the candid aspect that you do that's so different. Thank you, yeah. So, what really struck me about it is, I used to work at an art gallery that my dad ran, and we did a show of Roddy McDowell's stuff, where he was basically, like, he would just snap pictures behind the scenes of all the actors he worked with, and your work is as good, if not better, than his.

So, I was very drawn to it, the fact that you're still going up and doing your thing, but still have the wherewithal to take pictures, these beautiful pictures. Oh, thank you. You know, it's, you're very multi-talented. Oh, thank you. It's an interesting thing, because when I do comedy, it's very rare that I'll actually bring my camera and photograph at the same time.

Sometimes I do it, but it's hard, because it's two sides of your brain, you know? And it's interesting to see other people that you know and have done comedy with, and you know what they're doing on stage, is the camera will capture a different side of them that you would have never seen that in person, you know?

So, it's been, it's been very interesting, and I mean, I will always be, I'm more passionate about that in a sense than I am about my own comedy, which is not great. So, are you going to kick-starter your book? You know what? I was trying to make a kick-starter for my book, and the guy that did Wendy's kick-starter, the videographers, they came and videoed, and then something happened, and I can't get a hold of them anymore.

But, I'll probably find my own book. I want to do an e-book. And we should put together an e-book. I would love to. I'll help you with that. You will? Yeah, of course. I would love to do an e-book. I had someone help me with, because even though I love doing photography and stuff, the thing that's been a little bit of a problem is going from 3,200 film to shooting digital, is how do you make them kind of go, how do you make color and the black and white go together?

And, because at first I was in the ignorant position of, it all has to be black and white. And then it's like, you know what? Not really. You know, not really. And it's almost harder to photograph in color and make it just seem as important. Especially in the dark light settings. But it can be so effective when it does work.

When it does work, it's amazing. Yeah, yeah. So, to be the geek in the room, what do you use for your workflow? Are you like a lightroom, aperture type of thing? Yeah, I'm a lightroom girl. Okay, good. Yeah, I'm a lightroom girl. Yeah. Well, when I stopped doing comedy, I worked at, that's how I met Wendy too, is through Julia Dean.

And then I worked for this photographer named Michael Greco. And also at this digital capture firm. This is about seven years ago. I worked at this digital capture firm here in Santa Monica. And that was when people were first learning how to, do you know what digital capture is?

Yeah? Because sometimes people don't. At the time, people would shoot. Just tell the audience. Okay. Like, big commercial photographers will shoot Hasselblads and they'll do a digital back. And instead of going to a card, they shoot right to the computer. So, your job in the, like, seven years ago was to figure all that out and have them shoot right into the computer or right into Lightroom.

My boss is the guy that wrote the manual for Lightroom. Nice. So, I learned all of that, which was great when I came back in the comedy because everyone's like, will you help me do this? Will you help me do that? And then you had to do all that free work? Well, no. Because the funny thing is, when I first got back into comedy, the one thing I didn't know how to do was do websites.

And I know I pestered you a couple of times. Yeah. And then there was this one point where you're like, look, bitch, fuck off. And I was all like, I have to go read a manual. And it was the best advice anyone gave me. Because now all my friends come to me and are like, will you help me? So, there you go. Cool. Well, I hope to see the books soon.

I hope so, too. And I'll definitely help out with that. This time I won't say go fuck yourself. No. It's just because I get so busy. It's really hard to focus on one thing at a time. Yeah, well, you are doing many things. Speaking of which, please pimp yourself out. Where can we find you? Tell us everything about you. I'm going to be working at the comic strip in Edmonton in July.

Young Canadians. And then in Minneapolis in August. I am working on the show Peeping Comics, which should be out in a web series, hopefully at the end of summer, if we don't pitch it and it gets picked up somewhere else. Pipe dream, I know. And so you can see me there.

Or you can go still listen on iTunes. My podcast, which is Evergreen, that I did with Joey Diaz, who's a big podcaster now, is called Beauty and the Beast. And you can go on there. There's 120 episodes of that. And when we did those, this is the thing you have to be careful of when you're podcasting, is to make your podcast as relevant a year from now as it is today.

Never try to be too topical. Try not to be too topical. Okay, we're cutting the news section. Well, tech podcast is a little bit different from a lifestyle thing. That's true. We'll see how fab.com does in the next 10 years. Yeah, we'll see how that goes. And feliciamichaels.com, right? You can get me at, you can Twitter me at feliciamichaels.

My Instagram is acomicsei, underscore comics, underscore I, which is the most annoying name when you're typing it on your fucking iPhone. Is it E-Y-E or the letter I? E-Y-E. You know, there is a funny thing about all this, because I know you personally. Like, I had all these things written down, but I was like, I don't know if any of these are her public things, or are they private?

Like, which ones are- Nothing's private. Nothing's private. Yeah, nothing's private anymore. Nothing's private. I, when you do a podcast for 130 episodes, I've talked about the stretch marks inside my vagina. Ad nauseum. Well, fortunately, I don't think we have to worry about you and I talking about that, because we don't have vaginas.

Well, you never know. I do have that trip booked to Sweden. They do those operations there. I'm going to get myself the titties. Aw, you two are so cute. Well, thanks for coming. Thank you so much for coming. This was awesome. Thank you. Keep up with the Grumpy Old Geeks on the web at grumpyoldgeeks.com, on Facebook at facebook.com slash grumpyoldgeeks, or email them at podcast at grumpyoldgeeks.com.

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